Sunday, 17 November 2013

22 weeks + 5 days

I've thought about writing this post for the past couple of days, but I wasn't sure how it would be received. Even now, after finishing it, I'm still unsure whether or not to post it. However, I want to record a true representation of my pregnancy and how I have felt throughout. Hence:

I feel isolated.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to.

I feel sad.

I feel frustrated.

I feel angry.

I feel guilty for everything that I'm feeling.

I don't really know what's happened over the past couple of days/week to impact my mood so much, but lately I'm becoming increasingly less excited about baby's arrival. Which is a really terrible thing to feel. And an even more terrible thing to say. I'm scared. I'm only just appreciating what I decided to do when I chose to keep her. I don't think I'm ready to be somebody's mum. Especially by myself. I've never been a maternal person. Ever. I'm scared I'm not going to be any good. I'm scared that I'm not going to connect with her. I'm scared that I might resent her. Which isn't fair.

I miss everything I used to be able to do. I miss going out. I miss drinking. I miss smoking. I miss boys. I miss being able to think properly. I miss not being fat. I miss being able to run without getting out of breath after 5 steps.

Before now, I always thought, "Oh well, it's only for another 4 months. Then everything can go back to how it was before." But now I'm realising that it won't. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I have nobody I can say this to. Honestly, I have nobody to whom I can say "I don't think I'm happy about being pregnant at this stage". Because it sounds horrendous. I should be excited. I should be ecstatic. I'm not.

Don't get me wrong- I do want baby. I do. I know I made the right decision by keeping her. I guess I just didn't appreciate how much everything was going to change.And how difficult it was going to be.

To be perfectly honest- and this sounds incredibly shallow- I think half of the issue is that I'm unhappy with how big I feel right now. It's really upsetting me. I don't like being this size. And I'm scared about getting bigger. Because I know that I'll be even more unhappy then. I don't like how I look right now. And I know you're supposed to put weight on when you're pregnant. I know that I'm growing a person, and obviously I'm going to get bigger. And, again, this is something I thought I was ok with.
I'm sick of people's reactions to me aswell. I'm sick of being told I'm hormonal or hysterical if I'm not feeling like Mary fucking Poppins. Nope, I'm not being hormonal, I'm just not happy. Is that not ok? Am I not allowed to be pissed off when I'm pregnant? Should I be walking round basking in my obesity and lack of life with a big fucking smile all over my face? Sorry for not being a robot.Sorry for having more than one emotion.

I'm scared about raising her alone. I'm scared about how having her is going to impact upon me meeting somebody else. I'm scared that I'm having so many selfish thoughts because surely that's an indication that I'm just going to be terrible.

I guess I'm also becoming increasingly worried about the birth, despite me saying otherwise. I am very nervous.

I'm hoping this is just a phase. Like emotional preparation: I'm having all these selfish thoughts and feelings now so that by the time she's born, they will have been purged from my system, and I can be a completely selfless mother and focus on her needs. Fingers crossed, the next time I write anything I'll have worked through this and be back to eagerly awaiting her arrival.

I think I had prepared myself for the possibility of pregnancy being physically difficult. I never anticipated that I was going to find it so mentally challenging.

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