Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Medicine, Milk, Marathons and Mischief (11 weeks + 1 day)

Originally posted: 28/05/14

So then... big news of the week: It was Rob who pushed Tina! :O

Seriously, that has probably been the big news of the week. Not a lot has been happening baby-wise or mummy-wise. Not that I can think of anyway... I've definitely still got residual baby brain. (Seriously, it needs to clear up soon.)

I've spent the majority of today trying to make Piglet laugh. She's very smiley and very vocal and so close to laughing, but she's just not quite there. Cue lots of googling "how to make your baby laugh". Which returns results like "blow raspberries on her feet". Actually spent about half an hour doing that. All that resulted was I had a very alarmed looking baby who clearly thought I'd lost my mind (maybe I have...?) And still no laughter. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient.

All her new hair has properly come through now. She still looks a little like Friar Tuck because of the colour difference between the new and the old hair. Nowhere near as much as she did before with her bald patch though. (Poor Wiggles. I'm a terrible mother. Really shouldn't be saying these things about my baby. She's beautiful, even if she does look like a balding middle-aged man <3) In other head-related news, I've discovered that she hates headbands even more than she hates hats. Clearly head accessories are a big no-no.

Reports from Mummy's life... Passed my driving theory test (Thank GOODNESS). Considering that I'd passed it last time, it would have been very embarrassing if I'd failed it. I've got an interview for a hospital volunteering placement, and I attended an open day for another. Which was really interesting actually. I'm really looking forward to starting. I've also fallen in love with Jillian Michaels. Seriously, my abs have never been so good. Love you Jillian, Jillian you are a Goddess, marry me Jillian. And we've got less than a month to go until our half-marathon, which I am VERY nervous about. I want to complete it in under two hours. Which may be a little optimistic. We will have to wait and see!

Monday, 30 March 2015

Welcome To Pseudo-life Or The Tale Of "I Used To Be A Knob" (1 year + 2 weeks + 5 days)

I've got a lot that I want to say in this post, combined with a plethora of things that need doing, so I'm going to fire this one off, and hope that it's nice ("hope that it's nice"? Well, that's awful already. Starting as I mean to go on!)

Firstly: regular visitors to this site will notice that there has been a minor change. My name has been omitted. As has Piglet's. And I am now writing under a pseudonym (which I have my mummy to thank for- Bridget Bones, in case you missed it. My mummy is the brains behind the operation really. Also, personally, I think I should be Bridget Beefcake because I am number one muscle man....doesn't quite have the same ring to it though?). There is reasoning behind this (obviously...). I had discussed becoming anonymous previously. And there is one main reason why I didn't- which I can now share with you. 

Around Christmas, Piglet and I did some filming with Channel 4 for a program which is being aired currently. I mention all the time that for me to have any chance of a future career that I enjoy, I need money. If I had been successful in my medicine application, I needed money for tuition fees. If I am to do a PhD, I need money for Piglet's nursery fees. By not being anonymous, there was the ever, ever, ever so slight possibility, that some stupidly rich person could see us on Channel 4, have a cheeky google, stumble on this blog, and potentially sponsor me for medicine/PhD. It was a slight chance- but it was a chance all the same. My life has been full of slight chances and impossible probabilities, and it's not totally unheard of. 

HOWEVER. Channel 4 called me an hour before my medicine interview and told me that they weren't going to be using us, as we didn't "fit the story". Which- to be perfectly honest- is probably for the best. It does mean though, that my slight chance was effectively killed. And, reevaluating the situation- it benefits me massively to be anonymous. If you google me, this blog appears (hopefully it doesn't now). If I apply for your job, you will most likely google me. If I apply for your PhD, you will most likely google me. And, whilst I think that generally I come across as ok (except for the occasional crazy psychopath post, of course), I'm starting to realise that everything I see as a positive about myself, others will see as baggage. I look at where I am now, and I think that I've overcome so many obstacles, and grown so much as a person, and to me, my blog says that I'm strong. I can deal with things. But I can appreciate how it can be seen in the alternative light aswell. I am a lone parent (sounds so much better than single mother). I don't live near any relatives. I...probably come across as a little unstable and flighty (which I am- fundamentally, I am very very flighty. That is me). So, eliminating our names, eliminates people's possible preconceptions about me. I do not want my blog to be hindering me in any way.

Right, now that's done. On to the first thing- which I know you're all dying to hear about- child maintenance! Was paid on the 26th. Thank you Mr Dickhead. However, it was not for the amount that I should have received- it was for the old calculation. But, thank you again, because this means that child maintenance are proceeding with setting up Collect and Pay for me. They also called and said he owes me over £400 in arrears, which is fab too. He is ignoring them and refusing to answer'return their calls/ respond to their letters. Pretty standard. But whatever. It's going the way that I want it to, so it's fine. 

Next up: I've started a new job- which I mentioned last post- more on this later. It's bar work, so obviously is evenings and weekends; hence, I've had to get a babysitter for Piglet. Now, the girl who I've had watching her this week was literally just emergency babysitting. I had the interview last Monday, was offered the job two hours after I left, and they wanted me to start on Wednesday: mad sprint to find childcare. It has been an education, to say the least. I have been interviewing other people throughout the week to find her replacement- and it was pretty obvious after the first shift that I would be replacing her. Don't get me wrong, she was great with Piglet. But...I'm a bit of a funny bitch. So, let's just run through a quick do's and don'ts list of being my babysitter:

1) Don't charge me £5 an hour
I'm making £6.50. What is the point in me working?

2) Also don't charge me for taxi fares if you stay later than 11pm
...I know where you live, it's like really close. You don't even need a taxi!

3) Don't be late. Especially on your first day

4) Don't try and charge me for the time you weren't here because you were late, and the time you stayed afterwards when you were talking to me
It's almost midnight, I smell of beer and men, I just want my scrambled eggs and my bed!

5) Don't ask for money for shifts that you haven't done yet
Yeah, This happened. Four times? I think? Yeah four times. Even when I said no.

6) Don't "sort out" my packing, and then subtly drop into conversation things that you have read in letters that you've found
I thought it was a nice gesture until she started making remarks. Obviously having a good nose around.

7) Don't, and I mean DON'T eat all of my peanut butter
An entire jar in one day, I kid you not, and she ate the expensive one even though there was an Asda one open at the front. Also mentioned that she'd been eating Piglet's rusks. Fuming. I didn't even say you could eat my food! And at the rate you were charging me, BUY YOUR OWN BLOODY FOOD!

New babysitter starts officially on Wednesday, but I'm having her round tomorrow night to go through everything with her, and essentially "train" her with Piglet. I'm hoping I'm not going to have to redo the entire process again in a week (am hiding my peanut butter this time aswell).

So, back to job. Yes, so, bar work. There is one main reason why I have got a job, and I've touched on it already. If I want to do a PhD, there is no funding for childcare. However, if I have a job, I can claim tax credits for Piglet's childcare. Obviously, I can't do this at the moment, because nursery is currently funded by Student Finance, but once Summer kicks in, nursery will be funded by tax credits. I can then financially afford to do a PhD. I wanted to get this sorted now, so that I wasn't scrambling to find something in May/June when money for nursery was running out- I didn't want to be in a desperate position. It does mean that I have added to my already hectic schedule, but it is necessary if I wish to continue with the current plan. It also means that I have less time with Piglet. Which is tough. But it means that I appreciate the time I do have with her so much more. And it's just for a short while. It's for us both, really. 

Anyway, (before I become a sobbing mess), work is fine. First shift, I honestly had no idea how I'd ever done it before- everything seemed totally alien, and I hadn't got a clue. Third shift, I was practically running the bar. It's weird how quickly things come back to you. It's mainly girls....which is fine. There's a couple who are really nice. There's a few who don't like me. To the extent that one of the locals picked up on it ("Ignore the wicked witch of the west"). But that's fine. Because I get that they won't like me- I'm the new girl. I've been on the other side; I know what it is to not like the new girl. There's one who really reminds me of how I used to be. Like, literally the spit of me. Told me she was Queen Bee. Bit of a warning. And it's funny really, because I'm not there to step on anyone's toes; I don't want anyone's crown; I just want some money. The past 18 months have been a huge learning curve for me. Seriously, like more than I could ever imagine. And it was only when I was faced with this former version of me that I realised how far I've come. And how much of a knob I used to be (total, utter knob).

I just want to finish with this last point. So I went for breakfast at Wetherspoons this morning ("Bones, if you're so busy, how do you have time to go out for breakfast, eh?" Shut up, I wanted eggs royale- no hollandaise sauce please) and bought some papers to read (very leisurely morning. Why am I letting myself have such a chilled morning?!). Now, I'm an Independent reader, but I got the Mail aswell (for the puzzles- not for their stupid scaremongering). Anyway, in there, it had a story about Angelina Jolie (my idol number 73) and it contained this, where she is talking about her mum:

"Angelina said in an emotional 2011 TV interview: 'I will never be as good a mother as she was. I will try my best, but I don't think I ever will be.'"

I have never identified with something so much in my life.

P.S I haven't given Boris and Jeremy pseudonyms, because they can totally cope with the massive fame that they have from here

P.P.S Really really hope I've managed to delete our names from everywhere....

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

A Step-by-Step Guide of How To Get Under My Skin (1 year + 1 week + 6 days)

I'm not someone who's easily annoyed. I'm not. I'm really not. I swear. Unless you catch me when I'm pregnant, in which case I probably hate you (terrible pregnant person; really, really, awful pregnant person). However there are certain things in life that wind me up. And when they happen in quite rapid succession, then...you'd better watch out really? Because I will be looking for someone/something to project my anger onto. Do we all know about projection? Yes? Where you take all the crappy stuff that's going on in your life and you blame it on something totally unrelated. That is projection. It is an awful definition of projection, but I don't care. I am annoyed. I'm not annoyed. No, I'm not annoyed. I'M SEETHING. I'm basically frothing at the mouth. Like, I think I need to take up boxing. Why am I in a horrible mood? Because it has been a perfect storm, you see. The following things have all happened at once, and because of this, I am ready to totally annihilate and destroy the world.

SO, here we go; here is the step-by-step guide of how to turn me into A Raging Psychopath:

1) Make sure I'm super-duper crazy busy
I do not need to go in to detail about this. It is common knowledge that I am a busy bee. This does not need expanding on.

2) Make sure you catch me when I've just come back from travelling all over the bloody country
I hate going away. I hate it. It messes me up really badly. Like my entire routine is just thrown out of place and I can't cope.

3) BIG ONE: Make sure that I've just been rejected from King's
Oh yeah, this happened. Which I expected. And which should be fine, because even if I had got the place, I wouldn't have been able to access funding because of the course itself (GEM vs 5 year blah blah blah I've written about this before I think). But it's not fine. I think it's fine, but then I burst into tears at the most inopportune moments (I am emotionally unstable). I'm not going to be a surgeon. Not yet anyway. But maybe never. And that sucks. That really sucks. And everyone says I couldn't have done it anyway because Piglet is still small and the hours are too long, but it just sucks. I'm seriously gutted.

4) Don't pay your child maintenance
Oh, boy, you're gonna get it....

5) Don't respond to my lovely messages where I'm asking about the aforementioned child maintenance
Obviously I called CMS first (which is putting my phone bill up by the way)

6) Block me on facebook
How rude is that? Like, I was so nice and lovely. And I've already seen the fact that you've been gambling and can afford a new phone so... no point trying to hide it now!

7) Still don't pay your child maintenance
Well now you have nobody to blame but yourself.

There were some lovely pictures here, but they're currently in the process of being "anony-fied" and hopefully will be back soon xxx

8) Don't answer the phone to CMS

There were some lovely pictures here, but they're currently in the process of being "anony-fied" and hopefully will be back soon xxx

9) Send me this message

Just so everyone is aware, I had a job interview at the start of this week, and I start tomorrow. Secondly, because of the hours, half of my wage is instantly spent on babysitters for Piglet. Obviously I'm at uni still. Yeah? Uni? My workload would make you cry. I have a one year old baby who I have raised myself from scratch. I have moved away from anyone I know, so I don't get cushy free childcare like you might. Do not make out that I do nothing. Do not make out that I get everything handed to me. You got yourself in this mess. You are pathetic. Your "poor me I'm so blameless" act? C U next Tuesday, babes. Oh, and child maintenance are open 8am-8pm so....?

On the plus side though, I was actually in the gym when I received that message. So I totally had the best workout of my life. So actually...thank you! You did me a huge favour. Was lacking a little motivation today! Quite sleep deprived you see? No time to sleep with all the "not working" that I apparently do. Clap clap, well done, you got under my skin. Twat.

Oh, and anyone who thinks I'm being unreasonable? Last time he spoke to me in person he was screaming in my face over something I hadn't even done, and had to be physically restrained by another person. I truly thought he was going to hit me. And yes, I was pregnant. Also, like I said- projecting. Perfect storm. Raging psychopath, right here. That is me.

My mum is going to shout at me about this post. But I just needed to clear my head. Get the psychopath out. So...sorry mum.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Running (1 year + 6 days)

If I didn't have a baby right now, I would run. As far as I could, and as fast as I could. And I'd hide. And I'd start a new life (probably in Paris, where I would work in some seedy vile backstreet pub, and smoke 462462 cigarettes a day, and live solely on wine).

When I'm under a lot of pressure, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to run. No, that's not right. That's not right at all. I can cope with the pressure. It's when I'm under a lot of pressure, and things aren't going the way that I want them to: that's when I want to run.

I'm in London at the moment. Piglet and I went down to my parent's house on Mother's Day, and then she's staying with them whilst I'm down here. I'm going back up tomorrow. Why am I in London, you ask? Two main reasons:

1) Part of my project can't be run on a laptop because of the stupid amount of memory needed for the calculations.
2) I had a medicine interview today.

I mentioned before how much I missed London. And I do, I truly do. London is my Mecca. I went running in Hyde Park last night, and it was like being home. That's how it feels when I'm here; it feels like home. Part of me doesn't want to leave. Of course, that being said, I miss Piglet enormously at the moment. I miss her chubby face. I miss her calling me dada. I even miss her sneezing all over me, and pulling my hair out (seriously, there's huge clumps of it missing). If I didn't have Piglet, I wouldn't leave. I'd stay here. I wouldn't think of the consequences; I wouldn't think of the responsibilities that I have, or the commitments that I have made; I would just stay here. 

So, firstly, on my time in London, I would like to start by saying that it is amazing how productive you can be when you haven't got a baby. I can get ready in 10 minutes. No joke. I can go from asleep, to showered, dressed, and out of the door in 10 minutes. Sure, my hair is crazy and my face needs massive amounts of work doing to it, but these are jobs for the tube. I've probably done more uni work in the past 36 hours, than I have in the previous two weeks. It's crazy. I am Queen Productivity right now. Also, it's quite funny how quickly you fall back into things. Such as being full-on irate that you've missed the tube, even though there's another one arriving in 3 minutes. It's a bit weird actually. It's almost like the past two years were a dream. I never left. I didn't have a baby. Very odd. Brains are very strange things, the way that they can adjust so quickly. 

Anyway, medicine interview: awful. Awful, awful, awful. And I'm pretty upset about it. Even though I shouldn't be, and I was literally just going for the interview practice (will elaborate on this in a future post- want to wait for the official rejection first). It was just...I don't know. Everyone seemed like pristine robots, polished within an inch of their lives, and I was just...raw. Not in terms of appearance, I mean, more in terms of answers and things. This is only the impression that I got by the way- I actually have no idea what anybody else said during their interviews. I felt...unworthy. That's how I felt. I felt like a charlatan- I had no business being there. Who did I think I was? Single mother trying to do medicine? Hahahaha, Bones, who are you kidding? Go back to the hole you came from, you scummy girl. I haven't felt like that for a long time. I haven't felt so inadequate for a long time- probably not since before Piglet. (Bloody hilarious now if they offer my a place- but this is how I felt.)  

I'm not very good at interviews. I'm not very good at selling myself. Because I don't think I've got a lot to offer. I think I'm pretty average. I don't think I've got a lot to bring to the table. That's just how I view myself.

So...what am I going to do? Who knows. Who bloody knows? I don't know. I have not got a clue. No ideas. Hence, the only thing that my brain can think of to do is: RUN, BONES, RUN!!!!!! But I have to ignore my stupid brain. and not run, and be responsible, and live like a normal person, as opposed to whatever I clearly am naturally. Just fight all my instincts (hahahaha next post is going to start with: "So, I'm in Paris...")

I mentioned last week (I think?) that we've moved. Our new flat is lovely. It's really nice. It's so pretty. Everything is just a bit manic at the moment, and unpacking has not been top of my priority list (hence, new flat = box city). The cats like it. I don't think I've ever seen them so happy- they've literally been bouncing off the walls. Big shout out to my moving buddies who helped shift all my stuff from our house to the new flat. It was really kind, and I am super appreciative. I honestly don't know what I would have done otherwise (had to pay the £450 for a moving van, I suppose?) I'll put some pictures up once Piglet and I are back up there (and fully unpacked- at the moment you'd literally be like "uhm, nice pile of boxes, Bones?")

So... trying not to run. Attempting to focus on one thing at a time, and slowly work my way through everything, so that I don't implode and end up in Paris. Fighting the temptation.

I really don't want to leave here, though.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

One (1 year)

This was originally supposed to be all sentimental, and beautiful, and lovely, but apparently my brain isn't in the mood for that right now, so...here goes:

Piglet, you are one today; how quickly time has passed 
Each day we spend together seems to go quicker than the last
It feels like only yesterday, I first held you in my arms
When it was in fact a year ago, I fell victim to your charms.
(We all know who you inherited that from, don't we?)

Piglet, you are one today; you're as perfect as can be
Never could another mummy be as proud as me
Beautiful and funny, clever and so kind
A baby like my Piglet would be impossible to find!
(Unless you time-travelled back to 1990, of course)

Piglet, you are one today; and I'd like to take the time 
To thank you for your patience, whilst I've been finding mine
I know sometimes I seem distracted; immersed in other things
But all pale in comparison, to your smile; the joy it brings.
(...except my degree)

Piglet, you are one today; you've grown so big and strong
You are the missing part of me; the piece I needed for so long
To say I am in awe of you, does not quite convey
How I feel about you, each and every day.
(...except for when you're overtired and won't go to sleep)

Piglet, you are one today; and I never thought I could
Be so consumed with someone; obsessed more than I should
You are my star, my shining light; you help to guide me through 
For all that I am aiming for would be pointless without you
(I actually have nothing sarcastic to say. This is truly sincere)

Piglet, you are one today; you've taught me much so far
I had thought I knew everything (except how to drive a car)
"How did I survive before?" I often ask myself
When you weren't here, it was just me, and...something elf?
(Listen, it's late, I haven't slept properly in like 30 years, and I can't think of rhymes for everything ok?)

Piglet, you are one today; and yet you do not know
It's just another day to you, for playing with your toes
You're fast asleep and dreaming (eventually, I might add-
You came home from nursery to a different house: confused, a little sad)

Piglet, you are one today; and I guess what I really mean
Is that one is just a number; your new age for the time being
But Piglet you are my one: not just today, but evermore 
And I love you more each day that passes; you're all that I've wished for. 
(Been sat here for the past half an hour trying to think of a word that rhymes with more that isn't whore)

Happy birthday to Piglet x

Ps how sexy is my new huge window?

Pps Update post coming soon. Very busy bee. Lots happening.